Asking Eric: Spanish-American tired of questions about heritage

Dear Eric As a Spanish-American my ancestors from Spain have resided in the United States since long before the first Thanksgiving When one acquaintance inquired about my origin I assumed he meant the city I in recent months relocated from He clarified by asking if I was from Guatemala In a social context that question is exclusively directed at me I have also encountered strangers who have initiated such inquiries In such instances I find it appropriate to reciprocate the question in order to alleviate any discomfort or awkwardness I have light skin and brown eyes which may lead one to assume that I should blend in I am proud of my Spanish heritage But obviously there is something that sets me apart Maybe it s my last name I generally refrain from inquiring about individuals origins unless it arises naturally during a conversation It s not a huge concern but an annoying one How would you respond Where Are You From Dear From Though it can be an innocuous question initially the follow-up where are you really from shows that there s a narrative in the questioner s mind that may or may not connect to reality They may be trying to find commonality but numerous people who experience this kind of questioning find that it certainly highlights differences The question can imply I don t understand what I m seeing explain yourself to me And that s not appropriate When it comes to personal information like history heritage racial makeup and origins you don t have to share anything with anyone So if the answer you ve given isn t accepted answer the question with a question Why do you ask Dear Eric My life partner and I built and moved into our dream home together a inadequate years ago We have a decent-sized family and a reasonable number of friends with whom we like to socialize We are very intentional about whom we invite over and when Specific friends get along with anyone and others are better off with their own invite on a one-on-one as they don t mix so well at larger gatherings With the latter group of friends we find ourselves uptight and worried about someone getting offended or insulted by their intrusiveness so we prefer to keep them separate Inevitably after a holiday weekend or specific time where we had a larger gathering these separate friends start asking questions about who was there They end up insulted and genuinely ask why they weren t invited or if they are ever going to get invited to one of our parties We are totally willing and able to be honest with them and explain why we don t include them with the larger group engagements We like them enough and want to stay friends but are more relaxed compartmentalizing and sorting different friends and family into the groups they fit best in What is your advice for the best way to handle this We are sick of being made to feel bad or guilty for making intentional choices about what we do and don t want to do and would normally not say to someone we aren t including you because But they keep pestering us so we re not sure we have any choice but to level with them Any thoughts Frustrated and Over It Related Articles Asking Eric Brother wants to expedition together but he talks too much Asking Eric Former co-worker ghosts decade-long friendship Asking Eric Nephew s save the date came after vacation was paid for Asking Eric Yoga guide picks on longtime aspirant Asking Eric Husband s emotional affair upends relationship Dear Frustrated I m so glad you re willing to be honest with your friends because that s exactly what you need to do here First off your friends are being too pushy which isn t a great way to get people to want to invite you places It can be fine to ask is there a reason I didn t make the cut in small doses But the objective should be relationship maintenance are we OK rather than feelings maintenance I longed this thing and you didn t give it to me That being mentioned how large a gathering are we talking about here One individual in a group of say can cause ripples but might not tank the whole party And how much managing other people s emotions do you really want to do If your other friends are likely to be upset by intrusive questions maybe that s something they can manage These are things that you might want to think about before you have the conversation No one is owed an invitation to a gathering but it can feel isolating to think that everyone is hanging out without you Feelings aren t facts but it is a fact that we feel So I have particular compassion Talk to your friends about what kind of gatherings you re imagining the obstacles that you anticipate throwing mentioned gatherings and ask them if they see the situation in the same way Maybe they do and they ll be on better behavior maybe they don t and don t need an invite But the questions have to stop Send questions to R Eric Thomas at eric askingeric com or P O Box Philadelphia PA Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas com