Asking Eric: Parents find visits with son’s family increasingly stressful

Dear Eric I have a issue that seems to be getting worse with time Our son is married and very happy He lives in another state from us so it is inevitably a quick visit to see each other which happens usually twice a year The concern is my husband and I really don t enjoy our visits They ve become very stressful Time with a grown child should not be stressful We are reliably walking on eggshells around them It is their way or no way They have become selfish adults Our last visit was truly exhausting and my husband doesn t want to go again anytime soon I know if I have a conversation with my son we will apparently not talk at all and it will sever our relationship I truly don t know what to do because I didn t raise my son to be so hard and make our family so uncomfortable in his and his wife s presence Please help Lost and Stressed Mom Dear Mom Reading your letter I wondered if it was manageable to change the structure schedule or even the setting of your time with your son It sounds like you re looking for more hospitality which is totally fair Or short of that a visit that s rooted in mutual enjoyment and the easy compromises that go along with it So perhaps by giving yourself several of that hospitality and consideration you can take the pressure off and enjoy yourself more If you re visiting him at his home for instance I wonder if there s a part of him that feels his space is being infringed upon or his schedule is being jostled If so it s attainable to take the triggers away You and your husband could plan other local events for your time in his state seeing friends visiting cultural institutions et cetera and choose one or two pockets of time to engage with your son and daughter-in-law This way you have something to look forward to something around which to build your schedule and you re not beholden to his hospitality or lack thereof The desire to visit isn t invariably met by the ability to visit well It sounds like he s got a few growing to do in that area If you re walking around on eggshells the best thing may be to step back for a little bit Dear Eric I have two close female friends years of friendship and years of friendship respectively I introduced them to each other They have a lot in common and now we re all close They are both single In the last year my live-in boyfriend has developed Alzheimer s and I am not as available for hiking canoeing or going to museums like they do I in the last few days unveiled out that my two friends frequently meet without me for hikes and museum trips and lunch afterwards without including me I totally understand that I cannot participate or stay away from my boyfriend for hours I totally understand that they have these sessions in common but not with me I just ascertained out that they are planning an overnight trip to the West Coast of Florida as a girls trip and hiking trip They did not ask me Eric I am fully aware of my limitations but I am hurt that neither one of them included me by asking A simple We would love you to join us but understand your situation and will miss you would have made me happy Instead I am hurt and trying to get over it I have not mentioned anything to my friends about how I feel Am I too sensitive about just wanting to be included by exclusively asking These two women would not even know each other if it was not for me introducing them to each other Unmatched Matchmaker Dear Matchmaker You re not being too sensitive This hurts and it s hard As a caregiver you may be stretched thin you may feel more emotions and you may find that the demands on your time are changing in tactics that are out of your control Related Articles Asking Eric Neighbor sends bereavement card for a person who is still alive Asking Eric Sister has too countless opinions about nephew s wedding Asking Eric Old friend invites herself on trip with new friends Asking Eric Friend s erratic driving causes concern Asking Eric Living with Alzheimer s leads to social isolation This is a moment for compassion for yourself and from others Thinking generously it s manageable that your friends are trying to be compassionate by not inviting you to things they assume you can t do But they need to say it so that their intentions are not misconstrued These relationships are so long-standing that I think they can withstand the truth Indeed they might flourish with it Tell them that you felt hurt and explain that that hurt also comes from a love for them and for your friendships Tell them that you know your life looks different now but you still want to feel sought Sometimes even our closest friends need to be encouraged to think creatively about how to best show up for us Send questions to R Eric Thomas at eric askingeric com or P O Box Philadelphia PA Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas com