Asking Eric: Neighborhood gardener doesn’t want to chat about garden
Dear Eric First let me admit I am not very social I genuinely do not like to stand around chit-chatting especially when I m in the process of working on something I moved into a new neighborhood two years ago I have spent that time working on re-doing the landscaping both front and back yards new flower beds took out the lawns put in raised beds et cetera My issue is people walking by who try to talk to me about what I m doing and why I m not trying to be rude these people are for the the majority part complimentary in their comments But the thing is I m trying to work on my property in peace How can I nip these interactions in the bud Seriously I know I m anti-social I do love my gardening though and when I m out doing that well that s what I want to do Not talk to a neighbor about why I chose red peonies over pink Help Might Be a Jerk Dear Might Be There s nothing wrong with protecting your peace Even though as you acknowledge there s also nothing wrong with friendly casual conversation with a neighbor if it doesn t bring you happiness or actively sours your mood it s fine to opt out Because making conversation about people s gardens is often welcomed and encouraged you may not have much success getting your neighbors to stop short of posting a sign Please Do Not Disturb perhaps However a more frictionless option might be wearing earphones or earbuds while you work You don t even have to necessarily be listening to anything Just as a person working in a garden is often seen as someone open to being demanded questions a person listening to something on their headphones is often interpreted as someone who doesn t want to be disturbed It s also easier for you to wave and return to work without seeming rude if you re clearly otherwise engaged Even without props however I think it s perfectly fine to let your neighbors know you appreciate their compliments but you re preoccupied by the task at hand Try telling people not trying to be rude just really focused at the moment Have a great day Dear Eric I am a mahjongg instructor and enthusiast and I run a mahjongg social at a community park We have a group of anywhere from to players meet up and use tables reserved for our group Everyone knows how to play and we welcome all levels of players We do not however provide lessons as it is a complex competition to learn A young woman approached me as the leader of the group and demanded to be placed at a table although she did not know how to play She had been playing a matching tile meeting on her phone which calls itself mahjongg but has nothing to do with the actual match of mahjongg in either its Asian or American variants I described her I would be unable to place her but she was welcome to observe and I could provide information on where to take lessons She stated Well that s not very inclusive and became insistent that she could just sit down and pick it up When I advised her it was too complex to learn that way she began to berate me and ask me personal questions about whether I have ever been excluded I referred her to the park staff who spoke to her When I left I saw that she had bullied one of our players into giving her a free lesson My question is if she should come to our next session how should I handle it And does inclusion really extend to this situation Odd One Out Related Articles Asking Eric Widowed mother-in-law wants to bring new beau for holidays Asking Eric Friend s complex demands strain friendship Asking Eric Neighbors yard feature ruins view Asking Eric Perfect husband refuses intimacy Asking Eric Lifelong loner struggles to make connections post-retirement Dear Out This person was misusing terminology about inclusion to get what she wished which is not appropriate nor does it serve anyone However to avoid similar situations I think you should be clearer about what your policies are You write that you welcome all levels of players so do you welcome beginners or not And what constitutes a beginner If your group wants to set as a rule that everyone who joins has to first take a lesson that should be the standard for everyone This group is large enough that these kinds of guidelines are not only helpful but necessary Put your head together with the other people who run this group and discuss what increase looks like for the group Is there a desire to limit the size of the group Are there initiatives to gaining entry To whom should likely players submit their applications Putting systems in place helps to standardize your practices If you put them in writing in print or online it will also help you handle future conversations with prospective players Send questions to R Eric Thomas at eric askingeric com or P O Box Philadelphia PA Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas com
