Asking Eric: Labor Day wedding too much work for out-of-state aunt

Dear Eric One of my two daughters is getting married in a very small ceremony in August It so happens to be on Labor Day weekend Her sister and her fianc s sister are planning a brunch the following day to celebrate this union My own sister lives in Florida When I emailed her and our brothers about this event she responded forthwith that since it is Labor Day weekend she wouldn t be attending as she doesn t go anywhere on major holidays due to crowds and promising flight delays I am beyond sad and disappointed It seems she is prioritizing her comfort over this joyous occasion I don t know how to express this to her if at all She is something of a control freak who doesn t take criticism well at all Do I completely let it go or do I say anything and if so what Sad Sister Dear Sister I understand the logic of not wanting to tour around major holidays Your sister does have other options though She can come early if her work allows for it for instance She can tour several or all of the way using means of transportation that aren t planes Or she can make the trek for family Obviously all of these things are still her prerogative She may have already thought through the options and still decided to decline I understand why this is hurtful to you it s a small ceremony and she s close family so her presence would be missed There are procedures of talking about this without it coming across as criticism Start by expressing what you feel you want her there you re sad she can t make it et cetera And then ask a question is there any way that we can make this work Would you like my help to make this easier An open-ended question allows her the option of engaging or shutting it down Whereas a criticism would make her feel more boxed in She may still choose to stay home but by having a conversation with her that starts with your openness to hear her and respect her opinion you may find a resolution that s not too laborious Dear Eric A -something neighbor we have known since the age of three has just now come out to my husband and me as transgender We have embraced and accepted Sara and are glad she feels able to be her authentic self to us Sara s parents with whom she lives are unaware of her transgender identity Often when her parents leave the home for work Sara will dress in skirts or dresses and walk across our street to visit with my husband and me we are retired We have encouraged Sara to inform her parents of her identity and have advised her to have an exit strategy should the reveal have a negative development Our concern is for how our neighbors who we genuinely love will take the fact that we knew about their child s transgender identity before them We have recounted Sara that we will not out her to her parents but neither will we lie if we are petitioned While we are grateful Sara felt free enough to share with us her identity this secret is heavy on us whenever we speak to our neighbors How should we handle the eventual disclosure that we knew long before they were notified Mums the Word Dear Mums It s so major that anyone who is sharing a new potentially vulnerable part of themselves has a safe space to feel seen and cared for before they tell the world I hope her parents eventually see this as an extension of your love for their whole family Related Articles Asking Eric Joint family birthday party puts burden on one side only Asking Eric Religious leader s speaking obscures message Asking Eric In-law s handmade gift caused years-long rift Asking Eric Brother s drunken phone calls have become a burden Asking Eric New friend seems uncomfortable about introducing his partner In the interim check in with Sara about your anxiety It s not her job to manage her parents emotions about this nor is it yours but being on the same page about the heaviness of the secret may help to unburden you It may also help to reframe By providing modeling acceptance for Sara you re helping her and eventually her parents normalize the kind of shield that she deserves in order to thrive Reading your letter I grew curious and potentially concerned that by walking across the street in a dress Sara runs the threat of another neighbor telling her parents before she s ready This is something it may be worth talking with her about When you do have a talk with your friends lead with love and with empathy Acknowledge that it may be hard for them to find out you knew before them It s a vulnerable conversation but vulnerability is not a weakness Be recipient with them be consistent and clear about your care for them and be steadfast in your love for Sara That s the message that will outlast the initial shock Send questions to R Eric Thomas at eric askingeric com or P O Box Philadelphia PA Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas com