Asking Eric: Husband’s loud singing taxes marriage

Dear Eric My husband sings at the top of his lungs to any song that is playing in a movie or a commercial or in the car or otherwise It s like nails on a chalkboard for me I ve tried telling him but he takes offense He tells me everyone tells him he has perfect pitch he doesn t and it has come down to serious discord at times I have also tried telling him it takes me out of the moment and also that it s overstimulating for me His entire family tells him he has a beautiful voice They also sing loudly and whistle out of key It s murder on my brain The last sparse years I ve just started telling him and everyone around us that I don t like music and don t care for it in the background I m not embarrassed it just hurts my ears literally I realize it brings him them enjoyment but how much happiness do I tolerate at my extreme discomfort I veritably used to really like even love specific music but now I fully hate it Hating music is now part of my personality which I never intended It gives me a sense of guilt that I m not a good wife if I enjoy it without his contribution Leaving the room isn t a resolution There are only so various rooms we aren t rich people Also it s my husband s feelings I care majority about Am I wrong for not wanting my ears invaded this way while also wanting to love and respect him as a person Sound Off Dear Sound Off It strikes me that you re working really hard to consider your husband s feelings here and in turn he s been dismissive of yours That s not fair to you He can t help the traditions and habits of the family in which he was raised and neither can you help the way those habits are impacting you Marriages like any other relationship are about communication and often compromise and I m not seeing enough of either from him in this area It may help you to talk to your clinician about the way that you re processing his humming now The emotional part of it may have a physiological or psychological counterpart It sounds like you re receiving too much auditory input and it s overwhelming This is something that a lot of people experience for various reasons and in various contexts And there are procedures to address it like wearing noise-canceling or noise-reducing earbuds for instance This may help but the majority of fundamental part is that your husband respects you and your shared space Dear Eric I have a bestie who I ve been friends with since diapers I tell her everything I have a lot going on at work right now and it s workable that I could be looking at separating from the company I work for soon I advised my BFF about this so that she is not worried if I m silent for periods of time My friend has a lot of connections with college students through her work and they often ask her for references for jobs The last evening my friend required me about the job requirements for my current job I m assuming this question is from one of her college associates or someone else close to her I feel like it was insensitive to ask that considering my current dilemma My first thought was why doesn t this person look at the job posting for that information My job is related to soundness care and has high turnover rates and they are inevitably hiring I have not responded to this message yet as I am not sure how to feel Am I overthinking this question from a friend Or should I be evaluating the relationship Related Articles Asking Eric Son s new girlfriend has a rude way of joking Asking Eric Father wants to play surprise matchmaker for son on the spectrum Asking Eric Friend s fast-moving new relationship raises alarm Asking Eric Friend breaks off contact after her husband s death Asking Eric Son offers no thanks for gifted lake house BFF Guidance Dear Guidance Ask her about it to clear the air It s attainable that she compartmentalized your work situation and it didn t occur to her that passing along the request from an associate would strike you as tone-deaf Maybe she thinks that if you re considering leaving your company you don t have any particular feeling about who would replace you I can t say for sure but the best way to put your mind at ease is to just ask her what her intentions were This conversation is also a great way for you to clarify the kind of friendly endorsement you need It s absolutely fine to be sensitive about this situation and your work stress is possibly making things that wouldn t normally bother you seem more intense It s fine to tell her that In fact it s more than fine it s the bedrock of a healthy friendship Sometimes even the best of friends can get it wrong or misread a situation A conversation and perhaps a gentle redirect will give her the tools to show up for you more effectively Send questions to R Eric Thomas at eric askingeric com or P O Box Philadelphia PA Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas com