Asking Eric: Husband’s emotional affair upends relationship

Dear Eric Several months ago I discovered my husband was having an emotional affair with a coworker He shared substantial things with her he didn t share with me sought her advice on how to hide his alcohol abuse from me and talked to her about our arguments while she fueled the negativity against me and trashed me He also discussed intimate details of our sex life with her which I never consented to being shared After several painful conversations about it we recommitted to our relationship I requested him to end contact with her Not out of control but because I needed space to rebuild trust and because I genuinely doubted her intentions He agreed telling me he cared more for me than for her Months later our marriage seemed better than ever to me until I discovered he hadn t ended the relationship at all In fact he was working hard to hide it When I confronted him he mentioned he never deduced their connection was inappropriate and that asking him to end it crossed a line Something he had never reported before I m devastated His lies have shattered my trust and I feel I see a pattern of deception that is making me doubt our whole relationship Plus I can t shake the fear that if this relationship with his coworker wasn t physical before it might be now But then part of me wonders if I truly was wrong to ask him to end the relationship in the first place and if he s right that I m blowing a simple relationship out of proportion just because she s a woman Fool Me Twice Dear Fool Me Twice I don t think this is about gender And I don t think you re wrong Your husband is shifting the goalposts which isn t fair and makes it almost impossible to build back a healthy relationship I m sorry that this is happening Every relationship is unique every couple is constantly defining and redefining what works for them It s more than reasonable to expect that one s husband wouldn t share intimate details with a coworker especially if he s hiding them from you And it s more than reasonable to ask for it to stop which you did And he agreed He s allowed to change his mind or revisit the conversation but it s his responsibility to speak first and then act By not doing so he created the complication not you At this point it s vital to keep yourself safe emotionally and physically If you suspect they re intimate please get yourself tested Don t be afraid to talk with friends or loved ones about what you re experiencing His dishonesty creates a distorted reality and what you need is clarity right now about him about the relationship about your future which very well may be better without him Dear Eric Close friends frequently keep their first grandchild Now whenever we spend time with them it s impossible to carry on any kind of conversation Being besotted is understandable but this couple continually directs the four-year-old to perform for us i e Say your ABCs sing a song what color is this tell our guests where you went the day before today The child is not allowed to think or speak for himself My concern is the effect this has on the child It can t be healthy Related Articles Asking Eric Wife continually interrupts husband Asking Eric Stepson has plans for widowed stepmother s next chapter Asking Eric Husband accuses good Samaritan of bad intentions Asking Eric Friend constantly runs off at the end of meals Asking Eric Parents find visits with son s family increasingly stressful Concerned Friends Dear Friends It seems like there are a couple of aspects to this question Certain are within your control others not so much Is it practicable that your friends are trying to entertain you by prompting their grandchild to tell you these things Four-year-olds can be chatty and wonderfully proceeding but depending on the child they may not constantly be the consistent conversation partners for adults Your friends could be worried that you re bored or even a little bit sensitive about the approaches that visits have changed since their grandchild came along Grant them a little grace with this part The child won t be four forever eventually he ll have more things to say or other things to do while you and the other adults entertain yourselves You don t have to worry about the child s ability to think for himself He s being engaged by adults and questioned questions these are good things and helpful for his improvement Respectfully I wonder if various of this concern is rooted in your frustration about not being able to have an adult conversation with your friends It must be hard to adjust to the new shape of this relationship especially in the face of first grandchild-enthusiasm Again there are parts of this phase that aren t going to last forever But I d encourage you to start to see the satisfaction and delight that your friends have If you make a point to look for that and focus on it it may help to shift the way these visits feel Send questions to R Eric Thomas at eric askingeric com or P O Box Philadelphia PA Follow him on 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