Asking Eric: Husband’s emotional affair remains unresolved and unforgiven

Dear Eric My husband works for an airline and had an emotional affair with a female coworker I only exposed out through less-than-honest means I went through his phone while he was asleep I have started going to long-overdue therapy but am unable to get over the constant paranoia anxiety and anguish this has caused I m an extremely loyal person who has a very hard time giving up grudges and forgiving people What can I do other than therapy to try to fix this We had a really bad experience with a marriage counselor and it left a bad taste in my husband s mouth I can t really blame him I wonder if I will ever be able to truly forgive or trust him again Broken Marriage Dear Marriage You wrote what can I do to fix things but it sounds like you re doing a lot of what you need to do and so the question I have is what you and your husband can do together Also what is your husband doing to tend to his side of the street Yes you went through his phone and that wasn t appropriate but he has amends to make here too What is he doing to heal the relationship with you and to work on himself You may have trouble forgiving people but I m curious if he has required for forgiveness and tried to repair what he set wrong If he hasn t you can only go so far I understand the damage that can be done by a less-than-positive therapy experience but I m concerned that the path to reconciliation has ended there Does he want to be forgiven and trusted Do you want to forgive and trust him If so then you both have to try again together There are several a large number of marriage counselors out there as well as mediators faith leaders backing groups and more who can help you through this It starts with a conversation with him about what he wants what you want and what you re going to do together to get there Dear Eric My beloved husband of more than years has become something of an embarrassment He has invariably been careful with his appearance almost in the vain category About six years ago he had a serious illness with dangerous surgery but made an excellent recovery Afterward his weight loss became a weight gain and now instead of the athletic physique he has consistently maintained he has a large gut He will wear T-shirts that are too small and when seated part of his naked middle is exposed for all to see I can tolerate this at home but not when we are around other people I have tried gentle reminders that these shirts are too small mentioning how embarrassed I am but it makes no difference He also wears ill-fitting pants in his former waist size which exaggerate the concern Otherwise he keeps up his lengthy morning regime of careful grooming as in the past His doctors have suggested he lose weight but nothing has changed Can you offer any advice so we can socialize without me cringing Loving But Mortified Dear Loving Sometimes with loved ones and friends the healthiest but hardest thing to do is to say this is where he is right now and to accept that You don t have to love it you don t have to like it several aspects of it can still pose a question in your mind But by saying this is where he is right now you acknowledge that he s on a journey and it may not be going as fast as you want it but you re along for the ride Related Articles Asking Eric Husband kicks wife s children out of the house Asking Eric Longtime professor lectures in casual conversation Asking Eric New supervisor experiences workplace revolt Asking Eric Family invites to shared holidays stopped coming abruptly Asking Eric Boyfriend s eating habits make him less attractive It would be surprising if your husband wasn t having a little trouble adjusting to his new physique particularly since it developed after a serious illness which can be traumatic There have been a lot of life changes in the last six years internally and externally Buying new clothes may feel like an acknowledgment that his life is different or his body is responding in a different way than it has previously That takes time So when you feel that cringe coming on try to redirect it into compassion Sure it doesn t look good to you but is it a crime It s not something he s doing out of spite not that I think you re seeing it that way but it might feel a little like that since you ve brought it up to no avail See if you can remove your own feelings from his clothes Lastly you also might want to buy him particular new clothes in a new size You can leave out the embarrassment about the too-small clothes and let these gifts stand on their own Hopefully he feels good in them that s what s bulk vital Send questions to R Eric Thomas at eric askingeric com or P O Box Philadelphia PA Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas com