Asking Eric: Husband and wife divided over estranged stepchildren’s inheritance

Dear Eric My husband and I just turned We are in good wellbeing but began talking about estate planning We each have two children from previous marriages and at first this was an easy fix After considering donating to nonprofits we thought the rest of our assets would be equally divided among our children Now the situation Although my husband has a wonderful relationship with his two children mine have become estranged over the last sparse years I would like to give my children a token amount although small it would let them know that I still think about them and love them dearly My husband becomes increasingly angry with my children with each passing year and holidays He believes that they don t deserve anything stating that if they didn t care for me when I was alive don t pretend to care in my death I on the other hand feel that doing this would be vindictive and mean Can you offer words that would help this situation please Split Inheritance Dear Inheritance Although you and your husband are rightfully navigating life together up to and including what happens after you re gone it s helpful to remember that you and he have different relationships with your children This isn t to say that your relationship wins out by virtue of it being majority of longstanding and connected by genetics But the stakes are different for you than they are for him He s allowed to feel the frustration and anger at them And it s maybe helpful for you to get a supportive but assertive perspective on this situation from someone who loves you However the relationship you have with your children is unique in the world and unique in their lives even though it s estranged Perhaps even more so because it s estranged So you ve got to tend to it with specificity and you re the only person who can decide what you intend this legacy to mean for your children He may have to learn to live with a decision he doesn t love That s not your challenge to fix for him Inheritance is meant to outlive us obviously but countless people also use it to communicate on our behalf after we re not able to This gets tricky Money talks but it mumbles So I d also suggest speaking with your children before you re gone even if only to let them know that the intention of the money is to remind them that you still think of them and you wish things were different Dear Eric While our friends were away for a year I responded to their request to mow and trim their lawn until their home was sold It never sold and I mowed the lawn for a year Then they returned and moved into it again Then it sold and they were forced to move They purchased a lovely home with an in-ground pool Assuming that a year s worth of free mowing might translate into a sparse invitations to use their pool we waited for invitations which seldom came We did not ask but did use it a couple times when invited to swim with them No young children were involved in this scenario Was I justified in feeling that we should have been given several free passes at least for a year Lawn Pawn Related Articles Asking Eric Labor Day wedding too much work for out-of-state aunt Asking Eric Joint family birthday party puts burden on one side only Asking Eric Religious leader s speaking obscures message Asking Eric In-law s handmade gift caused years-long rift Asking Eric Brother s drunken phone calls have become a burden Dear Lawn Sure a year s worth of swimming passes would have been a lovely and fair gesture Even a lifetime of swimming privileges depending on the size of the lawn a year s worth of maintenance at a home that s not yours is quite a big ask However I think it s unfailingly a good practice to verbalize expectations so that we don t get misaligned Now they should have proactively exposed a way to show their gratitude without you telling them Frankly I think they should have paid you for your labor But it s workable that they didn t even think of pool privileges as compensation for lawn care After all we re talking about two different elements here earth and water Maybe it didn t occur to them Even when doing a favor out of the goodness of our hearts it s fine to make requests or set expectations If doable it s best to do it in advance so that friends and acquaintances don t feel like they re part of a bait and switch But if a favor changes midway through as your lawn institution did it s also fine to renegotiate the terms I m happy to keep doing this but it s become a bigger job than I expected Can we discuss a way to make it fair Or more specifically This was a big job and I was happy to do it Can I use your pool as a thank you The worst they can say is no Send questions to R Eric Thomas at eric askingeric com or P O Box Philadelphia PA Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas com