Asking Eric: Grandparent is barred from even speaking son’s name

Dear Eric My son is divorced and has a contentious relationship with his ex-wife They have three children together I have left occasional communication open with his ex regarding my grandchildren due to my son s lack of communication If it weren t for her I would have missed fundamental events in my grandchildren s lives My son has a considerable other living with him and they feel it is disrespectful and hurtful to both of them to speak with his ex I was communicated that I cannot have a relationship with them if I speak her name the ex in their presence even when speaking to the children My son insists that everyone agrees that I should never speak to my ex-daughter-in-law in any circumstance as it is not appropriate What is your take on this situation Tired of it All Dear Tired Your son s edict about his ex s name is too extreme She s the mother of his children she s not going to stop existing I worry about the negative atmosphere this creates for their children Not to mention the way it s impacting you This kind of behavior suggests that he s not navigating his divorce in a healthy way But unfortunately that s a obstacle he necessities to solve on his own By continuing to communicate with his ex you pitfall creating a whole separate obstacle in your own relationship with him Focus instead on the immediate need you want to be a part of your grandchildren s lives and you need him to communicate with you better so that you can do it Don t make this a quid pro quo situation i e you ll stop talking to the ex if he tells you more things Respect the admittedly toxic boundary he s set and work on finding methods that you and he can work together to bolster your relationship with your grandkids Think specifically about what you re asking for is it about making sure you re aware of essential dates Is it about getting updates on their progress Is it about making sure you have specific time with them Knowing what you want will help guide the conversation to a productive space Dear Eric My husband and I have a wonderful son daughter-in-law and two lovely young grandkids all of whom live nearby I babysit the children several times a week and host family dinner nights often Occasionally we help financially with purchases of items Their place is quite small and not suitable for entertaining they re both gainfully employed but can t afford a larger place right now We ve been questioned to host events for them on several occasions We have the time space means and willingness to do so and give our best efforts My predicament is that there is never any expression of gratitude except for general notes on greeting cards a couple times a year This lack of acknowledgment largely extends to birthday and holiday gifts as well A simple thanks for hosting Steven s birthday party for people or that new appliance is really helping would be enough I feel taken for granted But I also remember attending events at my in-laws house decades ago and never thought to send thank-you notes or call afterward I guess I just figured it was their pleasure and duty as grandparents Are we expecting too much Is this just the way things are Should I just appreciate that we have a good family and the ability to help with gifts and gatherings and let go of any resentment for the lack of acknowledgment Sad Nana and Pop Related Articles Asking Eric Wheelchair user gets no sympathy from caregiver Asking Eric Relatives leave gifts but don t come inside to visit Asking Eric New friend s cooking turns the stomach Asking Eric Adult children object to parents burial plans Asking Eric Minimalist daughter doesn t want any family heirlooms Dear Nana and Pop They should absolutely be thanking you at the least if not also offering to lighten the load of hosting Yes it can be easy for these gestures to fall into the cadence of family life and thereby get taken for granted But that doesn t make it OK To prevent this feeling from becoming a bigger obstacle talk about it with your son and daughter-in-law One opportunity may be at the next ask but it may be less charged to do so beforehand Offer a gentle but clear reminder that you re happy to host but that it takes work Tell them that you know that they appreciate the work but that it s nice to have it acknowledged Look I want to make it plain that having to ask for a thank you when gratitude should be expressed easily and often is a burden It s more work for you But a slightly uncomfortable conversation is better than resentment You might even suggest a way that you d like to receive thanks After the next party it would be great to send us certain flowers so that we have something to remind us of the wonderful time we had Sometimes people need a nudge to do the right thing Send questions to R Eric Thomas at eric askingeric com or P O Box Philadelphia PA Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas com