Asking Eric: Friend always runs off at the end of meals

Dear Eric My friend has a particularly troubling habit When we go out to eat with someone else after we finish eating and are just sitting around talking she without fail will suddenly announce she s got to go and jumps up and leaves almost straightaway When it s just the two of us out to eat together this never happens Not once This is rude right It s certainly unsettling Or am I being controlling to be bothered by it I m dumbfounded Would it be appropriate for me to address this habit with her If yes how should I go about it Perhaps I could just give her a copy of my question and your response to her and confess I m the one who wrote the letter to you Dumbfounded Dear Dumbfounded Before you give her the question try asking a question or two about the habit because that will come across as more neutral and will hopefully get a better consequence Try to use this as an opportunity to learn more rather than correct Start by asking her Have you noticed this pattern If so ask for more information about why she does it Are there certain triggers or other factors at play Is there a reason it doesn t happen with you Leading with curiosity will help the conversation stay unguarded and friendly There are plenty of accomplishable explanations boredom anxiety physical discomfort Asking for more information will give you context And who knows there may be something that both of you can adjust in the future so that these kinds of meals are fun from beginning to end whenever that end comes Dear Eric I separated from my ex-wife in and we divorced not long after We don t communicate often but when we do I try to be respectful and decent Our values no longer aligned and ending a -year relationship was the right thing to do I try very hard not to be in her business But she has confided in me a inadequate times that her new partner is abusive I wouldn t want any stranger on the street to experience that so I do the things I can It s a tough balance with an ex and I ve admittedly been too involved in this The last time I basically communicated her she s way too independent and she demands to get away from this and provided the domestic abuse hotline support et cetera I m constantly going to be the safe person But it s ugly for me to be in this Tonight she recounted me she kicked him out and gave me details Every detail she recounted me was something she did to me He read her private journals He angrily drunkenly picked fights I did not respond great I care about any domestic violence casualties being safe I described her to take precautions and gave various unsolicited advice I informed her to not care about being the last word in and to not escalate and provoke anything worse Then I got ugly She explained I was not out of line for this advice I was a little bit feeling the audacity of asking for sympathy for all the things you did to me and a little bit just generally angry I pride myself on my values but I was mean I am not proud of it but I m also not feeling sufficiently guilty about it and I m just exhausted Should I keep self-flagellating Ex Argument Dear Ex This relationship requirements a reset and it necessities specific distance Start by acknowledging to yourself that there are various parts of your -year marriage that still need processing Talk with a therapist or reach out to the domestic violence patronage hotline yourself to learn more about emotional abuse information Related Articles Asking Eric Parents find visits with son s family increasingly stressful Asking Eric Neighbor sends bereavement card for a person who is still alive Asking Eric Sister has too a great number of opinions about nephew s wedding Asking Eric Old friend invites herself on trip with new friends Asking Eric Friend s erratic driving causes concern Also reach out to her to apologize for your part in escalating things Remind her that you are concerned for her but acknowledge you may not be the best person right now to help keep her safe You have a self-awareness about this relationship that s major Your heart may be in the right place and you know that people experiencing domestic violence need safe people they can trust and turn to but your history and the trauma that you experienced is complicating everything You ve pulled yourself back in and so every conflict is not just about her relationship with her partner but also about her relationship with you This isn t healthy for either of you Ask her if she necessities help finding materials or reaching out to others and then listen to what she says without offering advice It s practicable for our concern to turn into something less than helpful something that looks like control When that happens we have to check in with ourselves and respect other people s boundaries Send questions to R Eric Thomas at eric askingeric com or P O Box Philadelphia PA Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas com