Asking Eric: Decades later, bullies still have power

Dear Eric I m and I have a dilemma I ve dealt with for a long time It has to do with bullies In school I had fists shaken in my face I was laughed at because I was skinny shy and had bad pimples I couldn t wait to leave school each day At a very large company I did well professionally however the bullying never stopped It consisted of people talking over me at meetings or one-on-one tittering when I walked through an area At one point management tried to make me supervisor over four people One member was loud outspoken a bully and would make fun of everyone To this day I relive all the times I walked away from or endured bad recovery I ll never see them again but the events still play in my head now and then Since then I ve learned that they or their wives each had strength problems I say to myself what goes around comes around It s easy to say get over it but I can t seem to How do I get past reliving those painful events Even writing this was painful Living in the Past Dear Past I m sorry for what you experienced The way other people have treated you is not your fault And while you can t go back and undo what s been done it is achievable to change your relationship to the memory This isn t getting over it but it does have the probable to disempower the memory and free you Right now the pain of the bullying and the resentment that resulted are understandably taking up a lot of real estate in your mind It sounds like this rehabilitation at school and at work was never fully processed which means that you weren t given what you needed to heal from it Consider talking to a therapist with the experiences you had You can go into these sessions with a simple goal I don t want to be tortured by the memories of bullying A therapist can provide a safe space to unpack what happened uncover other areas in your life that connect to this therapy and help you develop fitness coping strategies Think of it as akin to the process of physical therapy in which an injury in one part of the body might require you to strengthen another part of the body in order to heal Sometimes recovering from trauma is the same These bullies planted an idea about you in your head It doesn t have to be true and it doesn t have to stay in there Dear Eric A good friend required me for a letter of recommendation I wrote something short less than a page that I thought was truthful and adequate and inserted my name in the signature block but did not sign it I advised him he could edit it expecting he would send me the edited version He then added text about projects we d worked on together plus awards he d gotten and been nominated for The day of the application deadline I wrote him for the edited version and learned that he d submitted it I replied that I d have to notify the chair of the hiring committee that I had not approved the letter He responded without delay offering to withdraw it and I reported him to do that A meager days later I wrote a message in which I tried to explain why he jeopardized professional and personal relationships by submitting his version without my review and approval He refused to acknowledge he did anything wrong saying my giving him the right to edit the letter justified what he did I have tried to remain cordial because we have family connections as well as professional ones Is it all right for me to appear friendly when I don t truly feel it I feel as if I m being deceptive but I don t know how else to handle the situation Related Articles Asking Eric Parents struggle with cutting off financially dependent daughter Asking Eric Readers offer creative means to address divorce in Christmas cards Asking Eric Mutual friend turns two friends against a third Asking Eric Son and father are fighting but parents still want to celebrate son s birthday Asking Eric Years after advancing addiction family remains distant Professional Courtesy Dear Courtesy It s unfortunate that your friend is being stubborn instead of acknowledging his mistake and apologizing It certainly suggests that he s not a person who understands the value of professional connections let alone the importance of getting clarity before acting This whole situation is kind of an anti-recommendation he s not someone who responds well to feedback nor does he look before he leaps All that being stated cordiality may be the path of least resistance for the sake of your other relationships Think of it as an extension of your own professionalism You ve spoken to him about the issue which is an essential step to keep you from stewing in resentment You ve also learned a valuable lesson about him and even though he has declined to learn the lesson you re offering a quick hi how are you doesn t undercut anything else you ve expressed Send questions to R Eric Thomas at eric askingeric com or P O Box Philadelphia PA Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas com