Asking Eric: Brother’s drunken phone calls have become a burden

Dear Eric My younger brother Mick has been a heavy beer drinker for at least three decades with a high-stress career When he retired his drinking escalated He received a DUI which resulted in court-ordered mandatory visits at a local AA meeting for one year The court also had a blow-and-go breathalyzer installed in his truck for three years Now he stays isolated in his trailer and drinks from sunup to sundown And he s very sensitive to people commenting on his drinking He doesn t see the difficulty Two years ago he started calling me At first the calls were spaced out every other month but they came in the early evening when he was soused so conversation was challenging Now the calls are nearly every day sometimes two or three times a day It seems that I am his only social outlet and I m ready to scream I put the phone on speaker because these calls last for two to three hours He drones on with memories of his career his challenges as a supervisor family drama I can hear him popping open beer cans every to minutes The only boundaries I ve set are not to answer if I m driving or running errands I also don t answer if it s past p m my time Last week his first call came in at a m Can you think of other boundaries that I could use Ready to Scream Dear Ready Why yes I the greater part certainly can Decide when you can handle a phone call and for how long and tell him that s his designated time Perhaps it s once a week for minutes It s fine to set a timer even When it s not one of the designated times consider having your phone silence any calls you get from him When you tell him the new schedule you can also be honest with him about how the calls are affecting you and the concerning behavior you ve noticed He requirements to hear the truth My heart goes out to Mick who is in the grips of addiction I m sorry that AA didn t work for him when it was mandated I hope that he ll give it or SMART Recovery or another method for treating addiction a try He s sensitive about comments because despite his protests he knows there s a difficulty It s clearly negatively affecting his life And these phone calls are negatively affecting your life He may think they re innocuous even friendly but the incessant one-sided nature makes them seem more like a part of his addiction He s refusing to see the way his behavior impacts others It s best for you and for Mick if you put an end to it Dear Eric My husband and I have been married for years I was a lecturer and reliably had to be on time due to responsibility toward my students and professional etiquette My husband was an engineer and did not have to follow strict rules about being on time We have been retired for years My husband has issues with his eyes and has not driven for six years My concern is that he is never on time no matter where we are going It has come to a stage that whenever we go out whether it is to the gym or for a social occasion we end up having an argument He also constantly keeps making remarks about my speed etc This makes my blood pressure shoot up My medication has been tripled I am at my wits end Please help Frustrated Driver Dear Driver First things first we ve got to keep you safe While high blood pressure itself doesn t generally impair your ability to drive distracted driving distressed driving and driving while being constantly needled by a backseat driver can create an unsafe situation So please make it clear to your husband that this level of conflict is not going to work If he has a comment he demands to hold it until you re off the road or hold it forever honestly Be firm about this It seems also that part of the conflict is rooted in your frustration about his lateness After years of marriage particular things might need to be accepted and worked around If you want to leave at a certain time you might tell him a time well before your actual time Or you might say that you re leaving whether he s ready or not and he can call a cab or get a ride with a friend You both feel trapped in this situation and that s adding tension By being realistic about what each of you can change or adapt and what each of you requirements to be safe you can clear the air a bit Send questions to R Eric Thomas at eric askingeric com or P O Box Philadelphia PA Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas com