Asking Eric: After receiving financial support for years, daughter cuts parents off

Dear Eric My husband and his siblings inherited a home My daughter offered to move her family into one of the apartments and take care of the property We decided on a figure that would cover the bills in the form of rent Several years ago she began withholding rent she would only pay when I would ask for additional money due to a large house expense In no way did her rent even come close to paying the bills any longer Rather than argue I left it alone and quietly paid the bills letting her live off me for at least four years Last year the family realized that they could no longer keep up the expenses on the home so it was sold I arranged with the new owner to let my daughter stay for a monthly rent She then suddenly moved out never reached out at Christmas and was gone with me having no idea where to I have been shut out she no longer texts me and I have heard virtually nothing for months Am I the bad guy here I am not sure what to do I am beside myself with grief for the loss of my only daughter and her kids Should I just let this go We are getting older and my husband is not well so it would be nice to at least have family around His siblings no longer speak with him since the sale of the house which was quite a mess Let me know who you think should be the first to try and salvage any sense of relationship Mourning Mom Dear Mom You re not the bad guy You did more than enough to keep your daughter afloat even at the expense of your own peace of mind and wallet This is not about you It s about her and her actions I know this is a cold comfort but it may help to recognize that you ve been harmed here It s also manageable that her actions also contributed to the conflict around the sale This isn t to say that she s the bad guy There are people who are hurting and there are people who are letting their hurt hurt others The book When Parents Hurt by Joshua Coleman may offer you certain insight and solace It s practicable the foundations of this split may have been laid years ago and perhaps you ve been trying to fix a faulty foundation with financial encouragement It wasn t the wrong thing to do but it s left you without a cure now Focusing on your own healing and perhaps seeing a family therapist with your husband will help you reframe particular of this Dear Eric For a multitude of years three friends and I have gotten together for lunch once a month The venue changes each time and we decide then where and when we will meet the next month Three of us write down the information and the fourth person may or may not jot it down The next month comes and three of us show up at the appointed time Pat does not So someone calls her to remind her even though a reminder message is sent to everyone that morning before we meet She says she forgot and we wait for her to come This last week it happened again I strongly urged the others not to call her that the natural consequence is that she misses joining us this time One of the other gals reported she was absolutely calling her that we can t give up on our longtime friend To me it is not giving up on her but it may suggest that she be more responsible Who is right Or do we just continue to enable her Related Articles Asking Eric Niece excludes one branch of large family tree at wedding Asking Eric Hearing loss struggles strain friendship Asking Eric Mom wants relationship with adult sons without being overbearing Asking Eric Wife s divorce shocks husband of years Asking Eric Husband s eating habits disgust wife No More Reminders Dear Reminders If this has been going on for years it seems likely that Pat is no longer being irresponsible but rather just following the pattern that the four of you long ago established Now to me this is chaotic if something isn t on my calendar it doesn t happen But Pat works in a different way apparently sitting at home waiting to be summoned to various locations I m not saying it s the best way but it s reality You don t have to participate by calling Pat but I think you set yourself up for on-going conflict if you keep pressing the issue If others of your friends are willing to keep calling Pat to remind her let them You might talk to Pat directly about how waiting around impacts the group and I d encourage you to talk to your other two friends about strategies that you can maximize the time you have together so that you re not just twiddling your thumbs waiting for Pat But I don t think anyone requirements to be right here Send questions to R Eric Thomas at eric askingeric com or P O Box Philadelphia PA Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas com